Dance Wax

Oakland, 1997

While many white people dance badly, I’m especially clumsy on my feet. Dancing in any coordinated way, from salsa to waltzing, eludes me. But when a friend offered me this dance wax, I eagerly accepted. I mean, just look at it! Coolest. Box. Ever.

Though this package is from 1950, dance wax is still sold on Amazon. “We have a new hardwood dance floor and everyone complained it was too sticky for dancing,” said Ron @ Tacoma Elks Lodge #174 in his five-star review. “We bought the … Dance Wax and simply shook some out of the can onto the floor. Now everyone loves our dance floor. I am glad I bought the whole case!”

Even a case of the stuff would not help me. In my fantasy, this object will be gifted to the well-known astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson—who is also an accomplished ballroom dancer. Maybe Tyson would, in return, agree to have lunch with me sometime.

I’d give him an earful. Tyson (who once appeared on Dancing with the Stars) supports the idea that Pluto is a “dwarf planet.” Pluto, he claims, does not deserve to be ranked among the “real” planets of our solar system. I oppose that ridiculous view. It’s like saying that penguins aren’t really birds, because they don’t fly. Or that the element francium, with a half-life of only 22 minutes, should give up its place on the periodic table.

Pluto is not only a planet, it’s one of the coolest planets. Its existence was first deduced in the 1780s, when its was known as “Planet X.” Pluto itself was discovered in 1930—and now, thanks to the probe New Horizons’ 2015 flyby, we’ve seen it up close. There’s a beautiful valentine heart on its surface; the landscape looks like the Dakota Badlands, but super icy. So Pluto may be small, but, like Danny DeVito, it’s badass.

Best of all? On the surface of Pluto, with its low mass and gravity, I’d weigh only 10.2 pounds. It’s the only planet in the solar system where even I could be light on my feet.