NewsRadio Mini-Swiss Army Knife

Hollywood, 1998

If you look me up on the IMDB website, you’ll see that I have two credits for acting. One is for Kidnap Party, a 2012 film about which I know absolutely nothing. That’s got to be another Jeff Greenwald—unless I actually was kidnapped, drugged, and compelled to perform in a hypnotized coma.

The News Radio credit, though, is another story.

It began with an email. The sender—a young Los Angeles casting director named Bonnie Zane—had read The Size of the World, and felt compelled to contact me.

“What you wrote about your brother’s death was so moving,” she said. “A few days before I left on a trip to Africa, actor Phil Hartman was murdered. The funeral was such a public affair…. In some way, your book helped me deal with my grief.” Phil Hartman, of course, was the beloved actor and male lead of News Radio—one of several popular TV sitcoms cast by Ms. Zane. Hartman had been shot and killed that May by his wife, who then committed suicide—sparing their two children.

Bonnie and I struck up a correspondence. She was fascinated by writing, and I longed to try acting. One afternoon, she called to tell me that a small speaking role was available on News Radio. “Get down here today,” she told me, “and the part is yours.”

I played “Security Guard.” My two short scenes were with Patrick Warburton, best known today for his roles on Seinfeld, The Tick, and A Series of Unfortunate Events. Though I spoke just one line, my character had a dramatic arc—I would enter the scene soberly, but leave in tears of laughter. “You’re actually acting,” Bonnie reminded me.

It was so lovely to belong; to be part of that tight ensemble cast, even if just for 14 hours. To know I had comprehensive medical, full board, and a role to play. And like everyone lucky enough to stand in front of rolling cameras, I entertained a shimmering fantasy: Someone would see my performance, nudge their director friend and say, “Hey! See that security guard? He’s perfect for our new series.”

I’m ready to let that one go, along with this souvenir pocket knife. But as for my copy of the script for the News Radio episode titled “Jail” (Season 5, Episode 6)—autographed by the entire cast, minus Phil Hartman—that, I’m holding on to.